Friday, April 25, 2014

Profoundly Mixed



“I
T IS MIXED,” said Doctor Gupta as he turned off his torch after probing my mouth and reading the omens. He was answering my question, “Doctor, is it viral fever or malaria? Or worse?” I was not used to feeling ill and this sudden sickness made me feel completely helpless and disoriented. The doctor seemed to have realized that too, for he returned to his desk and wrote a generous prescription.
      Dr. Gupta’s clinic was strategically located in the depths of  a medical shop. His board outside was uncluttered by medical degrees and read simply, “Dr. Gupta’s Clinic.” He must have too many degrees to be accommodated on a single board.
      The doctor’s equipment also bespoke of the simplicity of his genius. It consisted of a torch, and a cold steel spatula used to hold mouths open. His sphygmomanometer and stethoscope were dusty from disuse. Nor did Dr. Gupta have a clinical laboratory. He didn’t need one. One illuminated look into any patient’s mouth was enough to tell him exactly how mixed the illness was.
      “You will be fine. Two hundred rupees,” said the doctor, handing me the prescription.
       I suspected I was being set up but the only way out of the clinic was through the medical shop. The chemist was ready and waiting for me, smiling like a friendly spider putting at ease the latest arrival in the web. While shelling out another five hundred for the medicines I consoled myself my illness was mixed.
      Back in my flat I consumed the first batch of capsules and took to bed. When I woke up   I had an out-of-body experience. I floated in the air and said profound things. I  understood my mission in life which I expounded to my friends who had come to visit me.
      They, however, bundled me off to a hospital, an unbelievably expensive one located in the diplomatic enclave of New Delhi, targeting foreign diplomats. I was to learn later that it took many ice packs and injections to reduce my out-of-body-experience.
*
The Miraculous Floating Diplomats  
(Actual photograph. Lent by the Embassy of France, New Delhi)

WHEN I CAME TO, I was in a multicultural heaven that resembled a hospital ward. It was crawling with diplomats with assorted seasonal conditions, each presumably highly mixed. People of different races, colors, textures and sexes floated around me, their IV bottles high above them. Angels in nurses uniforms glided through them.
      The bed next to mine was occupied by a European diplomat, a drip bottle hanging from his bedside stand. After some time I noticed a second bottle had been added. The tube from this new bottle was plugged into a large pink-and-white female diplomat sitting cross legged on the bed, her back open from shoulder to rump -- freckles peppered her like brown stars in a pink sky.
      I decided it was my mission to count all those stars. The more I counted, it became clear that each freckle was not just a star but an entire galaxy. The Universe was revealing its secrets to me on the naked back of this lady!
      Abruptly the lady blanketed herself in dark matter, ending my connection with the universe. Both the diplomats had turned and were now staring at me. I wondered whether to request the lady to let me resume my mystical bond with her backside. But the man spoke first. As he sounded French I replied, “Enchante, I'm Sajjeev.”
      It turned out that he was not introducing himself but asking me to move to the next ward so that his girlfriend could occupy my bed.
      Au revoir,” (get lost) I said coldly and closed my eyes.
      I heard the Frenchman and his girl sigh and murmur about Indians and pull curtains closely around the bed. Throughout the night their bottles clinked together. No IV drip can stand in the way of two motivated French people. 

The universe manifests itself*
on the freckles of a female French diplomat.

Each freckle is an individual galaxy. Atheists and skeptics who have no access to freckled diplomats should stare at this photograph for one hour to observe the universe. Viewing in a state of  high fever is recommended.

[Photograph lent by the Parapsychology Department, Diplomatic Hospital, Chanakyapuri, New Delhi]

      When I woke up next morning I no longer felt that profound unity with the universe, but that was all right. From the Frenchman's side the extra bottle had disappeared along with the attached girl. He looked amiable, though bleary-eyed from a well spent night. I too felt good and smiled at him. I wouldn’t have felt half as good, had I known then I would have to scrape up my life savings to get out of that hospital. 

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*"To see a World in a grain of sand
    And a Heaven in a wild flower;
    Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
    And Eternity in an hour."
    (William Blake)